A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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