I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize