So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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