bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
