I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
