I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
