woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
it's great music for shaving your balls
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You are the jesus of drinking
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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