ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
