I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize