Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
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