i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
