I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize