Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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