so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
