Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
