I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
