You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
be right there i have to get my cape
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
