I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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