I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
