the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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