im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
soo... how was my night?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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