sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
But I just had this pork pt. It was dick grabbing.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
