cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
