I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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