It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
