Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Pooping to opera.
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