i permit you to call me
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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