I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
We talked him into tasing himself.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
