it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
