found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
