yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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