i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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