i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
