nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
