I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
