I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
