My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
