I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
