Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
