True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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