she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize