Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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