he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
