I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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