I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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