My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just had sex on a roof
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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