My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize