you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Your penis caused this!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
