i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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