Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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