just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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