A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
