The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
