There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You can't just leave with hair like that
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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