our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize