The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
