It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I think my moral compass just broke
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