i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
