is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
