my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
honey bunches of taint.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
