i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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