You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
