how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
